Great qoute by Joseph Campbell.
This summer has been all about healing my head – both mentally and physically. I have Spontaneous Intracranial Hypotension from a CSF leak (cerebrospinal fluid) in my cervical / thoracic area. We don’t know how I got this. I have a theory but no one will acknowledge it except the loose-lipped neurosurgeon resident who may have spoke a bit too freely when he said (and this is my theory) the radioactive iodine treatment I had for my thyroid cancer may have weakened the dura and caused the leak. Open exploratory brain surgery seems to be the course of treatment for this very rare condition. I would like to avoid this.
The headaches are not as severe or constant as they were in the spring – this is due in large part to completely pulling out from my life as I knew it. This was a very difficult thing to do – but as soon as I did it, I felt better. Even though I had morphed into the armchair trainer slowly over the course of the last year (even lying on the floor during client sessions to deal with the pain), I guess the consistent early hours, lugging the equipment and random demo were doing me in slowly but surely. I stopped, the headaches stopped. I was warned they would return if / when I went back to the things I did before.
So what to do with all this time? This question had me on the edge of my seat (and my sanity) so I sought some guidance to sort out my anger, frustration, expectations and here’s the jist of what I’m really responding to right now:
“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” Eckhart Tolle
I have been resisting everything that has happened to me this past year and I keep getting thrown on my back. I was encouraged to ask myself WHY? I had unrealistic expectations of myself , I was beating myself for not being where I was a year ago, not being where I wanted to be and I was not just accepting “the now” and that really is the quickest way to crazy!
So what am I doing with myself? I’m doing those things that I pushed way back in my to do pile – the things that were so looming they overshadowed everything and I was just getting used to living in the shadow of them in a really passive aggressive way. Something as simple as getting a handyman in the house to do all the things that need to be done – accepting that neither myself or my husband were going to address them anytime soon – has expanded my mental outlook by 100%. 13 things are getting crossed off my list this week – they have been on that list for at least a year and I didn’t have to do them! DEEP. BREATH. AHH.
I canceled my kettlebell recertification (for the 2nd time), put all my equipment and training stuff away. I set expectations with my clients that I wasn’t coming back anytime soon if at all. I am researching other careers in health and wellness where I can actually use my myriad of skills, putting together a game plan, I am getting ready to launch – all from my couch and very, very slowly…no pressure.
There is a big difference between “living with it” and “healing” – living with it is happily going hog wild one day and being bedridden with headache the next. I’ve been playing around with “living with it” this summer and the see-saw was not working for me. Healing is truly stopping everything and letting the body heal. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do. What is left when you strip away the plans, goals, habits and routines – you. Sitting with yourself and your thoughts with nothing to distract you is an incredibly intense and uncomfortable thing – the most awkward social situation situation x 10. Loving yourself enough not to use that uncomfortable silence to berate yourself and others, feel inadequate and useless is not an easy thing. I realize now I was so abuzz with expectations and so angry about everything that was happening – a big hand came down, bitch slapped me and knocked me on my ass and I was forced to listen this time. The sound is silence – and that’s OK . The thoughts come and I let them keep on flowing by and just focus on the breath – and there is my power. Each day this becomes more and more clear. This is true progress.